andimjustbeinghonest

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Oh, hello there!

Forgive me for I have sinned. It has been a looong time since the last entry. Talk about hiatus.

I don’t even know where to start. Seriously. I am usually a talker but not right now. Not that I don’t have things to say. I have a lot. Good God, A LOT. From break ups to hook ups, from ups and downs, from staying put to tugging my lucky backpack around IndoChina. Man, I have a lot to share.

I’m kidding about the hook ups, btw. (I can almost hear my friends saying, “oooowwws?”)

Anyway, I want to say that this time around I will religiously write on my blog but I make promises I can’t keep. Haha! So let’s just wing this and say, “que sera sera”.

IM-BACK-YALL


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#28isthenewblack

I am turning 28 soon—just a few days away, actually. I really don’t know how to feel about it. I am both scared and excited. I am scared because there’s really no turning back to youth now.  However I am excited for what’s out there for me.

For the past 28 years, I have met the best people who molded me to the person I am now. I have been through every kind of hurt, happiness and disappointment.  I have learned a lot. And I mean, A LOT.

I have been thinking what to write on my blog for my birthday and I thought it would be a great idea to recount few years of my life that made me realize who I really am and what my purpose is and taught me how to be the strong woman I am today.

1992. The year I turned seven. It was one of the best parties I ever had.  Because my birthday always falls on typhoon season, my seventh birthday party was a little hard to pull off.  But my mother didn’t allow the rain to ruin my parade. They set up a big tent outside our humble home, rented a dirty ice cream cart complete with bells, brought out the karaoke for our music; I even had a DIY piñata. We invited few of my friends and our neighbors. The best things about my seventh birthday were the clothes I wore that my mom made and the cake my father bought.

Not much like my friends’ parties where they had clowns, big cakes, a host, mine was very simple. But it was fun and special nonetheless. I believe that at a young age I already realized I don’t need no extravagant parties, no pretty balloons and no seven-tier cakes to make me happy on my birthday. I just need my family and friends and I’m all good. Since then my birthdays were celebrated with a nice day at the mall, a fun 16th birthday party at McDonald’s and a UAAP game with my family and few friends during my 18th birthday.

1999. I turned 14. This was also the year that my father surprised me with my first mobile phone. You see, we didn’t really have a lot so this was such a big thing for us. I still remember that day when he picked me up from school and he said to look for a shoebox at the back seat of the car and I was like, ‘oooo-k.’ I was nervous and I was thinking that this could be a prank. He asked me to open the box and I was really hesitant that I was shrieking mildly (I don’t know how you do that but I did) that a dead rat may be in it. When I opened it, a cool phone was buried under a pile of scratch papers. I hugged my father and was so thankful to the Lord that I got the coolest and most generous one. A few months after, it was stolen from my pockets while I was at the market. I kept it from him thinking he would get really mad. He kept on asking me for it and I was always ready with my default answer that I was charging it. But you can’t keep secrets from your father for too long. He found out that I didn’t have it anymore and I was right. He got really mad at me. I wrote him a letter telling him how precious the phone was to me and I didn’t mean for it get stolen and that I was so ashamed that I didn’t take care of it well. I told him that even with the phone gone; I always keep his generosity and love for me in my heart. Cheesy as it sounded then, it is still true up to this very moment.

At this age, it was reconfirmed to me that my parents will do everything to give us what my brothers and I need. They may not be the Henry Sy or the Janet Napoles of the world but they did their best to give us the lives we are living now. They worked hard to put food in our mouths, to give us clothing on our backs, to send us to nice schools,  and to provide us some material things we wanted then.

I could never ask for another Papa and Mama.

2006. I turned the legal age of 21. Y’all know what happened weeks before my birthday then. If you don’t, well, my mother passed away. Someone pushed the maturity button without warning me. This has got to be the most depressing phase in my life. EVER.

It was a struggle. Most difficult, I think. I was just starting to really get a grip over my life—just started working and earning my own money and giving back at home. Then, BOOM. My mother was diagnosed with cancer, stage four—terminally ill. How can you ever recover from that? How can you ever fathom that? How can you ever sleep knowing you’re just counting days with the person you spent your whole life with? The woman who was with you from Day 1 is now taking her last breaths, last glimpses of you and your brothers. How can you ever mend your breaking heart from seeing your father break down when you know very well he tried so hard not to?

I turned 21 with a broken heart and a wounded faith. I was crippled that I didn’t know how to move forward anymore. But then I saw my father and my brothers, I realized our world shouldn’t stop turning. My mother wouldn’t approve. We started picking up the pieces. We started rebuilding our lives centering on each other, knowing that we may be incomplete but we’re still a family. She may be gone physically, but she would always and will forever be in our hearts no matter what.

2013. The year I turn 28. Two years ago, I lost my father a day after my 26th birthday. I have experienced a lot of pain, but nothing hurts more than knowing you have lost both your parents. It was the most depressing time for me as I turned to alcohol and partying to forget all the heartbreak it has caused me. I must admit that I felt good but stupid that time. I didn’t know what to do until I learned to accept the reality of the situation—that even without them, I should carry on as that’s what they want me to do, too. I still have my brothers. As I have said, as long as we still have each other we are a family.

I have learned a lot on my way to 28 and I still have a long ass way to go to know about life, the people around me and the world I live in. Although I am a work in progress and forever will be, I am proud to say I have taken some life lessons straight to my heart.

I am stronger now, more resilient than ever. I still get scared sometimes but I know my Mama and Papa are looking after me and my brothers. I sometimes feel like giving-up but my parents believed in us so much and they have taught us how to conquer every life’s bout with pride and perseverance. My parents did back down to cancer so I shouldn’t back down to stressful work, an egomaniac puss of a reporter, ungrateful business partner got scared of a bully hiding under the guise of a top corporate honcho. There is certainly more to life than wasting my energy and time on them. I’m sorry I never mean to be so mean.

I have come full circle, I must say. I can finally say that I am happy with how things are going on in my life. I am at peace. I have lifted my life to the Lord, I have given Him the wheel to steer me to where I am supposed to go. Because He will always fix me.


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I am Woman

I am Woman and I have a voice. 

Gone are the days that I thought I am supposed to be the girlfriend who always say ‘yes’ to keep the relationship intact. I have found my voice to say that I want to watch American Idol tonight and we can watch UFC tomorrow. I have found my voice to say that we are not working out and that we need to take a break.

I am Woman and I love my body. 

I am 4’10” and I stand mighty and proud. I can fit in a box or under my desk if I need to. I have small breasts, the other one is good and the other, bad. But together they are perfect. I have big feet for my height and legs of an Amazona, but these made me finish my very first 10k marathon for Breast Cancer Awareness last year. I have thick lips and I love them. No collagen needed.

I am Woman and I kick ass. 

I am no war-freak but don’t you dare cross me. I once grabbed and squeezed the hell out of a foreigner’s balls in Boracay because after several NOs and a reprimand not to touch my ass, he touched my right boob. Keeping mum is definitely not my style. I always get back with a vengeance.

I am Woman and I get hurt, I cry and then pull my shit together. 

Not because I am strong doesn’t mean you that you can lead me on for a month, call me ‘baby’, tell me that I am perfect for you and you adore me, and break it up through a Facebook message. It hurts like a motherfucker to be in that situation, vulnerable and broken. But give me sometime to cry it all out and for shizzle, I will pull myself together, put that MAC Russian Red lipstick on, toss my hair back and dance the night away.

I am Woman and I am moving forward.

I will go out without a bra and I won’t be judged. It shouldn’t be taboo anymore. I will wear whatever I think fits me and no one is supposed to say anything because I paid for my shit. I will wear bikinis by the beach because it’s the freakin’ beach and walk around in it. I will talk about sex and pleasure with friends (with sensibility) because we are supposed to. I will tell my partner what works for me and what doesn’t because I am not a doll and I can do things and I want my orgasm. I will get another tattoo and maybe two more and no one is supposed to brand me as a bad girl.

I am Woman and I am strong. I am independent. I am going to rule the world, well fine, my world.

I am not a princess. I don’t need anyone to save me. I am a Queen. I got my shit handled.

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harlem shakin’.

Not that I was living under a rock but I only got to watch Harlem Shake videos recently. Some are amazing like Sea World’s and Matt and Kim’s. But there are some that are totally disturbing and will steal your innocence away for good.

But my most favorite is when YouTube (yes, the site) joined the bandwagon, too.

You wanna witness the awesomeness? Go to YouTube and search “do the harlem shake”, then hold your jaw before it drops. It’s amazeballs.

Rockin’ Harlem Shake with the crowd!

Can it be any cuter?

I’m thinking now if I should ask my friends if we can do one on the beach. Hmmmm…


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Eargasm: Stay by Rihanna (SNL Live Performance)

I love it when an artist sings from his/her heart. Whenever Rihanna performs this song I know that she’s singing from the deepest corner of her heart. It’s like I can see her soul whenever I hear her. I love the song’s music video but I love the song  even more when she performs it live and raw, with growls and voice cracks.

She becomes more and more beautiful in my eyes.

Oh gosh, I wanna be her. Or on her.


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of new year and new marriages and vows.

I welcomed the year with one of the biggest weddings I’ve ever attended. Miki looked beautiful and Marc was so handsome in his tux. I always say that when you found that guy who is forever patient with all your quirks, your craziness, your lavishness, you better keep him. Tie him, if you must. Don’t let that person go. So good job Miki for not letting Marc go! Haha! You two are perfect for each other. Off to making babies, you guys! Haha!

(I have found mine but I did let him go, out of selflessness. Just so he can make his dream come true. I just hope that when I reach the end of this road I am on, it will still be him that I’ll see–waiting for me.)

Anyhoo, this year is wedding-filled. So I’m looking forward to the next one on February. Whoopeedoo! Now I’m scared that people are off to marriage and I will always be one of the bridesmaid or guests but never the bride. Ugh.

While board-hopping on Pinterest I found one of the sweetest vows I have ever read. Let me share it with you guys.

“I will kill the spiders. I will share my fries with you when you’ve finished all yours and are still hungry. I won’t ever pop my collar. I will never be rude to your tummy- when I hear it growl and gurgle, I promise to bend down and reply respectfully. I will eat the mushrooms when we order the supreme pizza. I will kiss the paper cuts  and the door-slammed finger. and the counter-bumped hip. I’ll try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. I will be the big spoon. I will let you win at wrestling. sometimes. other times I will not. I will send you random texts and leave you silly gifts. not always. not on schedule. just whenever I want to. whenever I think you need one. or seven. I will check your tire pressure. and remind you to take your car in. I will hold your hand. I will love you. I will love you. I will love you.”

I love it when guys try to be as sweet as girls. *tear*


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2012-2013

I should have posted something before 2012 ended but I was too busy partying with my friends. I think the last holiday season was my busiest. It was as if parties never cease. And hangovers? They kept on hanging.

2012 was one of my most trying years but it has been one of the most fulfilling as well. Last year, I felt my heart was beaten to the ground. It was pounded without mercy. It was crushed into million pieces that up to now I am still trying my best to put back together. And I think, it will take me a long time to make it whole again.

I have made so many friends last year and as much as I want to treasure all of them and keep them but one of them doesn’t want to. I have tried several times to raise the white flag and reach out but failed. So during the last day of 2012 I gave it my last shot and asked for a truce but I heard nothing. Even if I was at the losing end, I still wanted to make things right even if I shouldn’t have to. I wanted to be the bigger person to an evidently small one. 2013 came in and he made sure that he’ll always be as small as he was a year ago. I decided to leave him in 2012 and not drag him (as well as the negativity written all over him) to what will be an amazing 2013.

I have received so many blessings last year and every I am grateful. I have my two brothers to go home to, my friends to laugh, travel, get crazy with, my career, my spoiled but sweet pup, and mornings to wake up to. But there is one thing that I am most thankful for– it was having my freedom back.  I haven’t seen the world with much light and color until the day I was free again. ( I told myself, “This shit got crazier!”)

I am turning 28 this year. Ten years ago, I thought I’ll be married by this time but now I am far, very far away from it. But the good thing is I am ready to search the world again, to chase love, to rebuild the dreams I once had, to lose myself and find it again, and most importantly, to live for me.

I welcome this year with a bruised but healing heart, a hopeful mind and a fighting spirit because this year, I WILL OWN IT.

No one can make this year bad because I am holding 2013 by its balls. yeah, you heard me. BALLS.